Quote:
Originally Posted by muffin pirate
Didn't tell me editor because I wanted to see how good I was...
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Don't even
try to get this past me. I'm your editor. I know all, I see all. On another note, don't just say 'She walked back and forth Tortuga night and day.' You would instead describe her short walk back to town.
Rachel savored the walk back to town, as she always did. All was calm and quiet, save for the few chickens who had yet to settle in for the night. Wind-chimes jingled over old Boatswain's house, stirred by the warm sea breezes that wafted through the numerous shanties. As she headed out toward the swamp, I assume you mean the swamp, as you mentioned skeletons.
all the dwindling sounds and lights of the main settlement fell behind her. She was alone, save for the crickets- and the rattling of bones. The skeletons rarely caused her any trouble, but she was wary nonetheless. As such, she was relieved when she finally saw Jack's house. But as she approached, she noticed a disquiet in the air. The light on the porch was out. He never left it out. "Jack?" She was at the front door now. Jack wasn't answering. Finally, unable to stand it anymore, Rachel broke down the door.
"No!" Her sobs rent the night air. Jack lay on the ground, a small scarlet trickle flowing from his mouth. Jack Redrat was dead.
You don't explain. You
show. If you've done it properly, a reader won't perceive a storyteller. They will be in the story. Soon, your readers should be able to understand a character's personality.