In the years I have traveled these ever-murky and rum-stained waters, I have watched generations of pirates, scoundrels, captains, and lords alike pass before me, each of them carrying a few scraggly pieces of parchment in their coat-pockets that were handed to them by a motley wagon of pirates the first moment they ever stepped their boot in to these waters. I myself still have the copy of mine, though ever crumpled and beaten as it is, I still wink at it every once in a while to allow myself to realize how much of an old wind of a pirate I truly am.
But over the years these rules have been mended and twisted with each generation of pirates, fabricated under leaky pens on burnt parchment with even poorer penmanship (most of the blokes I've met don't even know how to read!) I am of course talking about the legendary "Rum-stained Codex," though you all seem to be under the impression it is just a shopping list dished out by the "Welcome Wagon" around these here waters.
Nay, I say! The charter of guidelines you lay before each new pirate who flounders on to the docks is but a sacred rite which has been the pride of this nation of brethren for years - nay - eons! If we wish to do things properly, than I fear that I must push my way back to my box on the docks of Tortuga, and now, recite to thee all, the official Rum-stained Codex, as set forth by Morgan and Bartholomew on a napkin the Faithful Bride;
The Rum-Stained Codex
The Unchangeables, Intangibles, and "Don't Touch This"'s of the Caribbean
I. STEALING RUM OF THINE BRETHREN IS FORBIDDEN! We are pirates of valor and honor; but most importantly, pirates who love to drink! And among our most prized possessions in this world and the next lies our rum, the very golden nectar and life source of us pirates in the Caribbean. Without it, plagues would erupt, famines would sweep across the land, and the very structure of the seven seas would mold and crack at edges; not good, mate.
A. Poison rum is to be laid out in the corner of taverns to teach a lesson to all pirates who believe they may evade this all-important rule. Side effects include dizziness, heart-burn, eye-twitching, possible loss of trigger finger, excessive vomiting, and losing control of one's lower body for the time being. Ye have been warned.
B. Rum that is left out in the open is fair game for any pirate who so happens to cross it - just make a cunning little rat didn't attach a grenade to the bottom of the glass.
II. CROSSING SWORDS WITHIN THE VICINITY OF A STORAGE OF PIRATE DRINK WILL RESULT IN KEELHAULING! If ye need to settle a dispute over who has the best boots, then take it out in to the courtyard where we can't hear the screams (that much.)
A. If you so much as cause a drop of blood to be spilled on a fellow pirate's petty coat, all is fair game.
III. PIRATES ARE TO ENTER THE BAN GAME AND OTHER ACTIVITIES AT THEIR OWN RISK. These places are among the darkest, dankest alleys in all the Caribbean, and are not for the faint of heart. Many men have entered that place and come out completely changed, unable to keep themselves from pointing out grammatical errors or counting the number of bottles of rum each time they step foot in a bar. Some enter, and are never seen again... just be careful out there.
IV. Be good and follow the Site Rules.
V. BE WARY OF PIRATES YE MEET FROM HERE ON THE HIGH SEAS! On here there be a small wall that separates ye from the crazies you're looking at, but once ye cross paths with one of these pirates face to face, may Poseidon have mercy on your doomed soul.
A. It'd be a sound idea to abandon the idea of trusting the pirates you see around here all together; never a good idea to listen to the men that have a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a pistol in the other.
B. Avoid listening to the pirates who try and tell you these rules indirectly. Plenty of pirates love to stretch their words to trick ye in to paying hefty taxes to them; and besides, most of them can't read in the first place.
VI. THE BLOG AND SOAPBOX SECTIONS ARE TO BE FEARED! Plenty of pirates hold opinions, but those who know how to voice them are often the ones with the strongest opinions. Watch where ye venture here, lest ye want a few bones broken in the process!
VII. Just keep your arms and legs inside the moving vehicle, and remember, remain seated please; permanecer sentados por favor... and please no flash photographies.
And, by far the most important,
VIII. Enjoy yer stay, matey!